Check it. I see kids walking around this campus, struggling in their tight jeans, awkward placement of hats, perusing through Hoffa’s and Donkey, occasionally making their way into the Union bar, maybe Jackie O’s, and I can’t help but to wonder about them. What does a real man wear? Being a man is of utmost importance for me, and like many women trying to understand just what went through his brain, I suffer the same confusion. What DOES a real man wear? Is it tight jeans? Can men actually color coordinate? And if so, can they wear and flaunt it accordingly?
I’ve been tragically trying to people watch lately; tragic only because I’ve been caught staring dozens of times. I then get embarrassed, and the red flush hits my face, so I do the only thing I can do, which is make a silly face, wave kind of like Forrest Gump, and run away excitedly. Yes, yes, typical J.D. standard, but for realsies, the point I’m trying to make is that a lot of men don’t really know what to wear. Maybe it’s because we don’t care, but let’s be honest: we do. I want to look good, as I’m sure everyone out there right now wants to look good, and it would be brash to think that insecurity isn’t running through our brains, especially with the dark, looming days of winter ahead of us.
So, what do men wear J.D.? I’m glad you asked. The following will outline the do’s and don’ts for today’s acceptable male, and if there’s a problem or something I’m missing, well, aren’t you just the trendy male oriented superstar of fashion? Get ova’ yoself! It’s only fashion, man.
Real Men DON’T WEAR Tight Jeans
Okay, this topic has been on my mind for years, literally, but first and foremost I want to say that I have no intention of bringing anyone down, you are all free to shop as you please, and I have no intention of degrading certain men that do wear these jeans. Here’s the thing: I’ve never understood the rage for extremely tight jeans, especially on a man. On a female, yes, it looks good, and will always look good; i.e. it’s a proper way to accentuate a female’s curves. But for a man? Let’s be real boys, if it takes longer than say, five seconds to get into your jeans, something’s wrong. And, why is it that we now wear extremely tight jeans to show how skinny we are? I thought being a man was all about being a burly Papa Bear. My friends call me Baby Bear, but that’s for an entirely different reason ;). The point I’m trying to make is that if you find yourself in the women’s section of a local department store, rifling through jeans because you can’t find your size, then something is completely, and utterly wrong. That may be harsh, but for real, come on dude. Jeans weren’t made to stick to hairy legs anyways, right? Jeans were made to be worked in, to build houses, repair dams, change the oil, rake leaves, plant a garden, make breakfast for a pretty lady, etc. Overly tight jeans make me beg the question, how tight is too tight? When should the whole tight jean thing be recanted, when men are shopping for specific jeans tailored to knee size, or bulge size for that matter? I kind of want to scream right now, “Never take fashion too serious, you’ll never get out alive!” That point being said, every time a man put’s on a woman’s pair of jeans, a kitten dies. There, I said it.
Real Men WEAR Pink
Do you know what I’m most proud of, ever? The ability to have 6’8, 400 pound men in the NFL to forcibly wear pink on their jerseys. The whole idea for pink in the NFL to promote Breast Cancer Awareness, as well as Female Awareness, is awesome; makes me proud to be an American actually. Real Men can pull off pink, salmon, whatever you call it. But, it’s when that pink goes too far that it draws away from our essence (the essence of being a man). Say you walk down Mill St. and see a party at a fraternity house. They all have on collared shirts, backwards caps, but you notice that most of them are wearing pink shirts. Why, you ask? To be cool. But, it’s not cool. Dressing in pink just to dress in pink is absurd. If I did own a pink shirt, it would probably be to promote Breast Cancer Awareness, or something worthwhile, or if a girlfriend or friend bought it for me. Pink should be worn for a reason, not just to accommodate those Ralph Lauren polo’s you have in your closet, guy. Simply said, Pink is Prada, and Prada should only be worn when a) you have enough money or b) some person must really, really like you. And you like them back, so you wear it. Plus girls like a good man in pink, I assure you.
Real Men WEAR Flannel
Obviously. And they also climb mountains.
Real Men TRY to look Ridiculous
I’m a man, and like most men, I make mistakes… daily. My friends can assure you that my life is chaos, and I am in utter ruin most of the time, so, dressing up to look ridiculous is something that I like to do to cheer myself up. I don’t know if that last sentence made sense, but let’s run with it. Looking ridiculous is part of the allure for a man. Sometimes, we want to wear dark shirts, dark jeans, dark boots, dark coat, and dark eyes. My roommate says to me, “J.D., if you have hate in your heart, let it out,” and he straps on all black, laces his boots, and goes out on the town. That’s not it though. Sometimes, I’ll try to wear my roommate’s clothes, or vice-versa, then finding a new and improved look for an evening of intelligent conversation with beautiful and crazy women. So, swap with your friends, wear something out of your style, and spice it up! Life is worth living, even if you’re in heels.
Real Men WEAR Sweaters
Think about it, what’s more charming and seductive than a man, brandishing a beard, in a strong, wholesome sweater, maybe holding a glass of Jackie O’s finest? I can’t think of anything. Sweaters are by and by the greatest invention ever: long sleeved cotton goodness that will always make you warm and almost always put you to sleep? Sounds like Thanksgiving, but could be done every day here in Athens! A nice Christmas sweater, or Christmas Sweater shuffle, is encouraged too. More importantly, a sweater not only looks good on men, it is kind of an unwritten law that women will wear their man’s sweater. So, buy a sweater, flaunt your swag, and cheer some girl up with a hug filled with cotton warmth. Also, sweater portraits are an instant classic, as you can tell.
Real Men Write Poems
What’s up with the Beanies?
I’m not going to lie to you, I wear a beanie. And I wear it in that awkward, hipster sense, wearing it just barely over my ears, so a little extra bounces around on top. I don’t know if it’s cool, and I’m not really sure what to think of it. The idea seems legit, because let’s face it, wearing a beanie is a required headdress especially in the winter, and not a lot of guys (including me), know exactly what to do. My suggestion is this: go with what you know. I own about five beanies, all different colored, each to match a certain outfit I choose for the day. I also own a flapper, a green and white hemmed hat that I bought at Twilight Boutique. My roommate has an official Russian flapper, with some type of fur lining the entirety; safe to say it’s pretty sweet. Anyhow, wear something that will keep you warm, but also say that you’re looking good. Do I know how to do it? No, but really, you’d take advice from someone like me? Go with your instincts! Just don’t overdo the beanie and have on a pink one because you think it looks cool. It’s not.
Alright, I think I’ve done it, or at least given justice to what I think a man should, or shouldn’t wear. I’m most certain I am missing various aspects like bow ties, suits, vests, and other equally important fixtures for a man’s attire. Follow these simple guidelines and you’ll be sure to get hand hugs from yours truly. This is J.D. Adkins saying Beard up Athens, it’s getting cold!